Women, gather round. There’s something you need to hear.
It’s OK if you can’t do it all — #girlboss, #familyfirst, #marriedlife, #squadgoals — all of the time. And, honestly, you shouldn’t.
Really.
Listen, deep down we all know this and not a single one of us wants to be the first to admit that we can’t do everything all of the time. But thankfully, Stassi Schroeder, who has #girlbossed just as hard as any reality TV star can has said it aloud. And, she’s written a book about it, "You Can't Have It All: The Basic B*tch Guide to Taking the Pressure Off."
For those who don’t know, this former “Vanderpump Rules” star #girlbossed so hard that one season she got the National Day Calendar to declare June 30 National #OOTD Day. (It’s a day dedicated to taking a selfie in your Outfit Of The Day or #OOTD and posting it on social media.) She’s also written two other New York Times Best Sellers — "Next Level Basic" and "Off with My Head" — and has a mini-media empire. She also has two toddlers.
Now, the #girlboss who normalized being a #basicb*tch, is admitting that it is OK to not be OK. And, I am here for it.
“Over the last two years, I’ve come to realize that having it all and being a girlboss is not the vibe,’ Schroeder writes in the opening chapter. This is not a fully anti-girlboss book … I know I’m not the only one who’s high-key tired. I’m tired of feeling like I should be doing more, accomplishing more, exercising more, socializing more, networking more, buying more … It’s like we’re expected to operate at 100 percent in everything we do.”
I wish someone had written this book when I was in my 30s, trying to convince myself that I could have it all — a perfect work-life balance. I thought I could be super mom, super employee, super wife, super daughter, etc. Instead, like many women around me, I was failing miserably and beating myself up about it. (And still not asking for help.)
Girlboss culture, Schroeder writes, directly connects a woman’s identity to her professional success.
“I started to wonder why I needed to be achieving something in order to feel good about myself. That all seemed kind of toxic,” she writes. “I don’t want to knock the whole girlboss ideal completely. It is badass and important when a woman can take care of herself, achieve everything she wants and get a Chloe Drew bag with the hard-earned money she got from running her own company or kicking a-- at her first-ever job.
“It’s just that it’s easy to get caught in that cycle of needing and wanting to do more and work harder and before you know it you’re on a treadmill of ambition and it’s hard to jump off.”
Women, when did we fall victim to #hustleharder culture? Why are we burning out and then getting FOMO from watching heavily-edited TikTok/Instagram videos that make us feel guilty for not making our kids paper and crayons from scratch? Why are we putting so much pressure on ourselves?
This is exactly what Schroeder asked herself back in 2020. Now, she did have it forced upon her — she was fired from “Vanderpump Rules,” her podcast got dropped and then a pandemic happened. At that time, her identity and her career were the same thing. Her work hiatus, as well as her first pregnancy (also during 2020), forced a reset. Who was she without all those career things that defined her for so long?
“I decided to shift my focus to the things I was grateful for … I decided to try something new, to embrace the slowing down of life. I found ways to take pleasure in it.”
That simple shift gave her a whole new perspective: “Why do we constantly have to be on top? Sometimes, landing somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot. What’s wrong with being happy in the middle? The word content no longer scared me.”
And what’s wrong with being content? Being content doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have ambition. What it means is that you’re successfully navigating through life, which can be hard, especially with social media. As Schroeder reminds us, all that glitters online is not real. Other people’s homes are not spotless all of the time, their children are not perfect angels 24/7. But, I take comfort in knowing that even Bravolebrities fall victim to the false lens of social media — and spiral sometimes because of it.
So, why do I wish I had this book in my 30s? Because, while I had other women around me who were struggling with the same issues, not one of us was talking about it out loud. And, for the most part, we still aren’t.
Someone eventually had to address the elephant in the room. Schroeder does it in a wonderfully comedic style, using examples from her own life, serving up chapters that talk about mom guilt, finding mom friends (or not), surviving tantrums (your child’s and your own), and taking joy in missing out on things (you don’t have to go to everything you are invited to).
She isn’t afraid to admit that she sometimes bribes her oldest child with cake pops or experiences guilt because she doesn’t have a dedicated playroom (just a messy living room) or that she doesn’t cook (her husband, Beau, does and can tell you all the reasons you should not wash cast iron pans with soap) often. She’s telling us that it is OK to choose our battles, to ask for help and wave the white flag.
Yes, you can still #girlboss — as long as you remember that it is only a small part of who you are. At the end of the day, it's more important to be happy.
BOOK REVIEW
"You Can't Have It All: The Basic B*tch Guide to Taking the Pressure Off" by Stassi Schroeder
